Olalekan Adebumiti
Manipulation rarely announces itself. It does not walk in wearing a villain’s face.
It often comes wrapped in charm, intensity, affection, or even vulnerability.
You may not see it clearly at first. What you notice instead are the marks it leaves behind.
You feel confused. You feel slightly off balance. You feel as though you are constantly adjusting yourself to keep the peace.
Sometimes those emotional bruises are enough to connect the dots.
And sometimes, if you pay attention early, you can detect the pattern before the damage deepens.
Here are seven habits manipulators consistently display in relationships.
1. They Study You Before They Control You
Manipulators are observant.
They ask questions. They listen carefully. They mirror your values.
At first, it feels like deep connection. You feel understood in a way that seems rare.
But later, you realise something unsettling.
They remember your fears so they can trigger them.
They remember your insecurities so they can press on them.
They remember what you crave so they can withhold it.
They gather emotional data long before they begin using it.
That early intensity is not always intimacy. Sometimes it is research.
2. They Shift Blame With Surgical Precision
No matter what happens, you somehow end up at fault.
If they forget something, you did not remind them.
If they lash out, you provoked them.
If they withdraw, you became too much.
The habit is subtle but consistent. Responsibility never stays with them for long. It slides back onto you.
Over time, you internalise this pattern.
You start scanning yourself first whenever something goes wrong. You become hyper aware of your tone, your timing, your reactions.
That constant self correction is not growth. It is conditioning.
3. They Create Emotional Highs And Lows
Stability does not excite a manipulator.
They thrive on contrast.
One day you feel adored. The next day you feel ignored. One week they speak about the future. The next week they are distant and vague.
This inconsistency creates anxiety, and anxiety creates attachment.
You begin chasing the version of them that feels warm and loving. You work harder to get back to that high.
The unpredictability keeps you hooked.
It is not passion. It is emotional engineering.
4. They Redefine Reality In Small Doses
Manipulators rarely deny obvious facts in dramatic ways. They adjust reality in increments.
They say you are overreacting.
They say you misunderstood.
They say that never happened the way you remember it.
Each instance feels minor on its own. But together, they create doubt.
Soon you hesitate before speaking up. You question your memory. You soften your concerns because you do not want to be labelled dramatic.
When someone repeatedly reshapes reality, your confidence in your own perception weakens. That weakening benefits them.
5. They Test Boundaries To See How Far They Can Go
Manipulation is rarely sudden. It expands.
They push a small boundary and watch your response. If you tolerate it, they push a little further. A joke that makes you uncomfortable. A comment that feels slightly disrespectful. A demand that stretches your limits.
If you protest, they minimise it. If you stay quiet, they escalate.
This gradual stretching makes it harder to pinpoint when things crossed the line.
By the time you realise it, the line has moved so far that you barely recognise yourself.
6. They Use Vulnerability As A Shield
Some manipulators position themselves as the wounded one.
They speak about past trauma. They describe how everyone else hurt them. They frame themselves as misunderstood and mistreated.
Your empathy activates. You want to be different. You want to prove you will not abandon them.
But watch carefully.
Do they use their pain to excuse poor behaviour?
Do they avoid accountability by pointing back to their past?
Do they shift focus from your hurt to their history every time conflict arises?
Vulnerability can be genuine. It can also be strategic.
When it becomes a permanent shield against responsibility, manipulation is close by.
7. They Slowly Diminish Your Sense Of Self
This is the most dangerous habit because it happens quietly.
You start speaking less boldly.
You stop sharing certain opinions.
You reduce contact with people who question the relationship.
You become more cautious, more careful, more contained.
You may not notice the shift immediately. It feels like compromise. It feels like adjusting. It feels like keeping harmony.
But over time, you feel smaller.
Healthy love expands you. It strengthens your voice. It deepens your confidence. Manipulative love narrows you.
If you look back and realise you were more grounded before the relationship than during it, pay attention.
Connecting The Dots
Manipulation is rarely about one dramatic red flag. It is about patterns. It is about repeated habits that leave emotional residue behind.
If you feel constantly confused, blamed, drained, or diminished, that is not random. Those marks mean something.
You do not need perfect proof to take your instincts seriously. You only need enough awareness to pause and ask hard questions.
And if you recognise these habits in someone close to you, do not rush to label. Observe. Document patterns. Protect your boundaries. Seek perspective from people you trust.
Clarity is power.
Once you see the pattern, it becomes much harder for someone to control you through it.
