Olalekan Adebumiti
This is going to be a tough read.
I’m warning you now because we are about to look in the mirror, and the lighting in here is unflattering.
We all like to think of ourselves as the “adults in the room.”
We think we own our stuff. But the human brain is a lawyer, and it is excellent at building a defence case for why nothing is ever actually our fault.
We all get into that fix where we mess up, and instead of saying “I did that,” we do a mental gymnastics routine that would win Gold at the Olympics.
Responsibility is your maturity gauge, and the only metric that actually matters when it comes to growth.
If you can’t own the mistake, you can’t learn the lesson.
So, take a deep breath. Lower your defences. If you squirm while reading this, it means it’s working.
12 uncomfortable signs you are dodging responsibility.
1. The “But” Sandwich
This is the most common rookie move. You say the magic words, “I’m sorry,” but you immediately follow them with the word that negates everything: “But.”
- “I’m sorry I yelled, but you pushed my buttons.”
- “I’m sorry I was late, but traffic was a nightmare.”If your apology has a “but” in it, it’s not an apology; it’s an excuse dressed up in a tuxedo. You aren’t owning the action; you’re blaming the circumstance.
2. You Focus on Your Intentions, Not Your Impact
When you hurt someone, you immediately defend yourself by saying, “Well, I didn’t mean to hurt you!”
Here is the uncomfortable truth: Your intentions don’t matter as much as you think they do.
If you accidentally step on someone’s foot, it still hurts them, even if you didn’t plan it.
Hiding behind your “good intentions” is a way to avoid dealing with the actual pain you caused.
3. The “Victim” Pivot
This one is a masterpiece of manipulation.
You screw up, your partner calls you out, and suddenly you are the one crying about how “you can never do anything right” or how “everyone is always attacking you.”
Suddenly, the person you hurt has to stop and comfort you.
You’ve successfully hijacked the narrative and made yourself the victim to avoid being the villain.
4. You Blame Your Past Self (Who is technically you)
“That’s just how I was raised” or “I have trust issues because of my ex.”
We all have trauma. We all have baggage.
But using your past as a permanent permission slip for bad behaviour in the present is a cop-out.
It’s a sign you are more interested in protecting your wounds than healing them.
5. The “You Too” Defence (Whataboutism)
As soon as someone points out your mistake, you instantly pull up a file from 2019 of a time they made a mistake.
“Oh, I’m messy? Well, remember when you forgot to pay the electric bill?”
You aren’t trying to resolve the issue; you are trying to win the argument by keeping score.
It’s a deflection tactic designed to get the heat off you.
6. You Use Passive Voice
Listen to the way you speak. Do you say, “I broke the vase”? Or do you say, “The vase broke”?
Do you say, “I missed the deadline”? Or do you say, “The deadline was missed”?
Removing yourself from the sentence is a subconscious way of removing yourself from the blame.
7. You Wait for Them to “Cool Off” Before Owning It
You know you messed up, but you stay silent.
You hide in the garage or scroll on your phone, waiting for the storm to pass.
You are hoping that if you wait long enough, they will just get over it, and you won’t have to actually admit you were wrong.
Silence isn’t keeping the peace; it’s cowardice.
8. You Only Apologise Because You Got Caught
Be honest: if they hadn’t found out, would you have told them?
If the answer is no, you aren’t sorry for the mistake; you are sorry for the consequences.
True responsibility is owning up to things even when no one is watching.
9. You Minimise the Damage
“It was just a joke!” or “You’re being too sensitive.”
Instead of admitting you crossed a line, you try to move the line.
By telling someone their reaction is “too much,” you are absolving yourself of the responsibility to handle their feelings with care.
10. The “I’m Just Under a Lot of Stress” Card
Stress is a reason, not an excuse.
We are all stressed. We are all tired.
Being “hangry” or overworked explains why you snapped, but it doesn’t give you the right to treat people like emotional punching bags.
If you use stress as a shield, you never have to work on your emotional regulation.
11. You Resent Them for Being Hurt
This is a dark one.
You actually get angry at your partner because they are upset with you.
You feel annoyed that their hurt feelings are inconveniencing your evening.
This is the ultimate sign of emotional immaturity as you view their pain as a hassle rather than a consequence of your actions.
12. You Expect a Parade for Doing the Bare Minimum
When you finally do apologise or fix a mistake, you expect excessive praise.
You want a gold star for cleaning up the mess you made.
If you feel like you deserve a reward for acting like a decent human being, your maturity gauge is running low.
The Deep Breath (Read This Part)
Did you wince? Did you feel a little defensive reading number 5 or number 10?
Good.
That discomfort? That is the sound of your ego cracking. And that is exactly where the light gets in.
Taking responsibility is terrifying because it feels like a loss of power.
It feels like admitting weakness. But the irony is that owning your mistakes is the ultimate power move.
When you look someone in the eye and say, “I messed up. No excuses. I hurt you, and I am going to fix it,” you stop being a child, and you become an adult.
You stop being a passenger in your own life and start driving the car.
You aren’t perfect. Nobody expects you to be.
They just want to know that when you break something, you’re strong enough to hold the pieces.
And they want to be happy that you read this post to this part, where I say, thank you for owning your wrongs.
