Rejoice Njoku
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been feeling trapped in a relationship where you feel like you can’t be yourself. Maybe you’re constantly worried about your partner’s needs and feelings, and you put their needs before your own. Perhaps you’re scared of speaking up about how you really feel, for fear of upsetting them or being rejected. These are all signs of a codependent relationship.
Codependency is a pattern of behaviour that often stems from childhood experiences, where emotional needs were not met. As a result, you may have developed a deep need for validation and approval from others, leading to a codependent relationship where you rely on your partner for your emotional well-being.
In a codependent relationship, you may feel like you have to sacrifice your own needs and desires to please your partner. You may be afraid of setting boundaries, expressing your true feelings, or even spending time alone. This can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, and can make it challenging to break away from the relationship.
But there is hope. It is possible to break free from a codependent relationship without feeling guilty. In this blog post, we’ll explore some practical steps you can take to break away from codependency and start prioritizing your own needs and happiness.
What Is a Codependent Relationship?
A codependent relationship is a type of relationship where one person (the codependent) relies heavily on another person (the enabler) for their emotional and sometimes physical well-being.
Codependency is characterized by an excessive and unhealthy reliance on another person for approval, validation, and a sense of self-worth.
Codependent relationships can be challenging to identify because the codependent partner often believes that their behaviour is normal and that they are simply being supportive of their partner. However, codependency can be harmful to both partners, as the enabler may feel overwhelmed by the codependent’s need for constant attention and validation, while the codependent may experience anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem when they are not in the presence of their partner.
Examples of codependent behaviours may include:
- Neglecting personal needs and boundaries to please the other person
- Feeling responsible for the other person’s emotions and behaviour
- Avoiding conflict or disagreement to maintain the relationship
- Sacrificing personal goals or interests to prioritize the other person’s needs
- Feeling anxious or lost when not in the presence of the other person
Now, let’s look at how you can come out of it without being burdened by guilt.
1. Be Honest With Yourself and Your Partner
If you must get out of that relationship, the first step would be to acknowledge that the relationship is not healthy for either of you and be truthful about your own feelings and motivations.
Admitting to yourself that you’re in a codependent relationship can be difficult, especially if you’ve been in the relationship for a long time. It’s natural to feel attached to your partner, even if the relationship is causing you harm.
But you must recognise that staying in the relationship can have serious consequences for your mental and emotional well-being and, in the long run, the relationship.
To break free from a codependent relationship, you should also be honest with yourself about why you stayed in the relationship for so long. Perhaps you felt like you couldn’t leave because your partner needed you or because you didn’t want to be alone.
Whatever the reason, acknowledging it can help you move forward and start prioritizing your own needs and happiness.
Be honest with your partner about how you feel. This can be a difficult conversation, but you have to communicate your needs. Your partner may not understand the impact their behaviour has on you, but by being honest, you give them the opportunity to change and improve themselves too.
By acknowledging the truth about the relationship and your own motivations, you can start to prioritize your own well-being and move towards a healthier, happier future.
2. Set Boundaries
If you’re going to break away and be guilt-free, then you need to set boundaries. Be clear about what you will and won’t tolerate in the relationship, and communicate those boundaries to your partner.
Start by identifying what behaviours are harmful or triggering for you. Maybe it’s excessive neediness, criticism, or controlling behaviour. Once you have a clear idea of what your boundaries are, communicate them to your partner in a calm, clear manner.
Be specific about what actions are unacceptable and what consequences there will be if they are violated.
Setting boundaries is not about controlling your partner’s behaviour or even trying to change them; it’s about taking care of yourself. Stick to your boundaries and enforce consequences if they are violated.
It’s easier to say this than to do it, especially if you’re used to putting your partner’s needs before your own, but you have to if you don’t want to keep falling into the cycle you are trying to run from.
Enforcing consequences doesn’t mean punishing your partner; it means looking out for yourself and showing that you value yourself. For example, if your partner is excessively needy and you’ve set a boundary around it, you could enforce the consequence of spending less time with them when they exhibit that behaviour. This sends a clear message that you value your own needs and boundaries.
By identifying your boundaries, communicating them clearly, and enforcing consequences when they are violated, you can start prioritizing your own well-being and be well on your way to a healthy relationship.
3. Practice Self-Care
Codependent relationships often leave one partner feeling drained and exhausted, and it’s essential to prioritize your own well-being in order to move forward.
Start by taking care of your physical health. Get enough sleep, eat nutritious foods, and exercise regularly. When we take care of our bodies, we feel better mentally and emotionally as well.
In addition to taking care of your physical health, make sure to do things that bring you joy. This can include hobbies, spending time with friends and family, or simply taking time to relax and unwind. By doing things that make you happy, you’ll feel more confident and empowered to make changes in your life.
Set aside time for reflection and introspection. This can involve journaling, meditation, or simply taking a quiet walk. By taking time to connect with your own thoughts and feelings, you’ll be better equipped to identify your own needs and desires.
By taking care of your physical health, doing things that bring you joy, and setting aside time for introspection, you begin to gain confidence in yourself and the good things you deserve.
4. Find New Hobbies and Activities
Another thing you can do to break free from a codependent relationship is to find new hobbies or activities that you enjoy. Your relationship may have gotten you to that place where you feel like you have lost your sense of self and your individuality. Engaging in new activities can help you rediscover your passions and interests outside of the relationship.
This can be something as simple as trying a new workout class or taking up a new hobby, like painting or hiking. It can also be an opportunity to meet new people and build a support system outside of the relationship.
By focusing on your own growth and development, you can gain more confidence in your ability to live a fulfilling life on your own terms. It can also make you less reliant on your partner for validation and happiness.
Finding new hobbies and activities can be a helpful way for you to break free from a codependent relationship, ultimately leading to greater self-confidence and independence.
5. Seek Support
Breaking free from a codependent relationship can be a difficult and lonely process. That’s why it’s important to seek out support from people who care about you and want to see you thrive.
Start by reaching out to friends or family members you trust. Having someone to talk to and confide in can be a great source of comfort and encouragement. They may even be able to offer practical help, such as a place to stay if you need to move out of the shared living space.
Consider seeing a therapist or joining a support group as well. A therapist can help you work through the emotions and patterns that led to the codependent relationship and provide you with tools to build healthy relationships in the future.
Support groups can also be a great source of encouragement and advice from people who have been through similar experiences.
Remember that seeking support is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength. It takes courage to reach out and ask for help when you need it. And having a support system in place can make all the difference as you work towards breaking free from the codependent relationship.
Parting Thoughts on Letting Go of a Codependent Relationship
Breaking away from a codependent relationship is never an easy process, and it’s common to feel guilty about ending a relationship. However, it’s important to prioritize your well-being and seek the support of others as you navigate this challenging time.
Be honest with yourself and your partner, set clear boundaries, practice self-care, and seek professional help if necessary. Keep in mind that ending a codependent relationship is not only healthy for you, but it can also be healthy for your partner, as it allows both of you to grow and develop individually.
While it may be difficult at first, with time and support, you can move on from a codependent relationship and find healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.
