Olalekan Adebumiti
After looking at what mutual respect looks like in my previous post, it is just as important to recognise when it is missing.
Let’s agree that not every unhealthy relationship feels obviously abusive.
Some dynamics feel intense, passionate, even exciting. Some people mistake control for care.
Others believe that if both partners treat each other poorly in the same way, that somehow makes it balanced.
Sorry, it does not.
If you are disrespectful and your partner matches that energy, that is not equality. That is dysfunction in stereo.
There are also people who genuinely do not know what respect feels like. They grew up around shouting. They normalised humiliation. They were taught that love must hurt to be real.
This post is for all of you.
Read the previous post: 10 Signs Your Relationship is Built on Mutual Respect.
If you are confused, unaware, or slowly realising something feels off, here are seven signs your relationship lacks mutual respect.
1. Disagreements Quickly Turn Personal
Conflict is normal. Personal attacks are not.
When you disagree, does the conversation shift from the issue to your character? Instead of discussing what happened, are you labelled selfish, stupid, dramatic, immature, or impossible?
Do past mistakes get dragged into present arguments as ammunition?
When respect is absent, winning becomes more important than understanding. The goal shifts from resolving the problem to overpowering the other person.
If arguments regularly leave you feeling small, insulted, or attacked, that is not passion. That is erosion.
And if you both do this to each other, that still does not make it healthy. It just means you are both participating in disrespect.
2. Boundaries Are Mocked, Ignored, Or Tested
You say something makes you uncomfortable. The response is laughter, minimisation, or irritation.
You ask for space. You are accused of being distant.
You express a need. You are told you are too demanding.
When someone consistently pushes your limits to see how far they can go, respect is not present.
Sometimes people defend this behaviour by saying, “That’s just how we are.” But if how you are involves ignoring each other’s emotional safety, that pattern deserves scrutiny.
Mutual respect protects boundaries. Disrespect challenges them.
3. Control Is Framed As Love
This one confuses many people.
Jealousy is presented as passion. Monitoring your whereabouts is framed as care. Restricting your friendships is justified as protection.
It can feel flattering at first. You may interpret it as someone being deeply invested in you.
But over time, the pattern becomes suffocating.
If you feel monitored, questioned excessively, or pressured to alter your behaviour to avoid conflict, ask yourself honestly whether you are being respected or managed.
Control is not devotion. It is insecurity expressing itself through dominance.
4. There Is A Pattern Of Humiliation
Humiliation does not always come loudly. Sometimes it is subtle.
Sarcastic comments in front of friends.
Private jokes that sting more than they amuse.
Exposing personal details during arguments.
Belittling your achievements or intelligence.
If you regularly feel embarrassed by your partner’s words or tone, that is not teasing. That is disrespect disguised as humour.
And if you both “joke” harshly with each other and call it banter, pause. Shared cruelty does not equal mutual respect. It simply means both of you are tolerating behaviour that chips away at dignity.
5. Effort Feels Transactional Or Manipulative
Respect is steady. Manipulation is strategic.
If affection increases only when you comply, and decreases when you assert yourself, that is not love. That is conditioning.
Does one of you withdraw to punish the other? Does effort disappear when expectations are not met? Are apologies offered only to regain control rather than to repair?
When effort feels like a bargaining tool rather than a natural expression of care, respect is compromised.
Healthy love does not operate like a reward system.
6. Your Growth Is Threatening Rather Than Celebrated
In a relationship lacking respect, growth feels dangerous.
If you improve yourself, pursue new opportunities, deepen your confidence, or expand your circle, your partner responds with insecurity rather than support.
They may mock your ambitions. They may subtly discourage your progress. They may create conflict whenever you focus on something outside the relationship.
This is not always obvious. It may show up as guilt inducing comments or emotional withdrawal whenever you evolve.
Respect allows space for growth. Disrespect fears losing control.
If your development consistently causes tension instead of encouragement, something is misaligned.
7. You Feel Smaller Over Time
This is the most revealing sign.
Look at who you were before this relationship. Were you more confident? More expressive? More secure in your opinions?
Now ask yourself whether you have gradually become quieter, more anxious, more cautious.
Disrespect does not always break you in one dramatic moment. It wears you down slowly.
If you second guess yourself constantly, if you avoid speaking up to prevent backlash, if you feel emotionally drained more often than fulfilled, that is not a healthy dynamic.
And here is something important. If both of you feel smaller, more reactive, more defensive than you used to be, the relationship itself may be built on mutual disrespect rather than mutual respect.
Equal dysfunction is still dysfunction.
A Necessary Reflection
Some people expect respect without offering it. They demand softness while being harsh. They want patience while being reactive. They crave validation while dismissing their partner’s emotions.
That imbalance is obvious.
Others genuinely do not realise what respectful love looks like because they have never experienced it.
Wherever you fall, the key is awareness.
Respect is not proven by intensity. It is revealed by tone, boundaries, accountability, and emotional safety.
If these signs resonate, do not rush to label your relationship beyond repair. But do not ignore the patterns either.
Clarity is uncomfortable.
Denial is more dangerous.
You deserve a relationship where dignity flows in both directions.
And if that is not what you have, it is worth asking why.
