Olalekan Adebumiti
You have been here before. You know this feeling in the pit of your stomach. It is the same ending, just with a different face.
You swore the last time was the last time.
You promised yourself you wouldn’t ignore the red flags again.
Yet, here you are, scraping yourself off the floor, wondering why the universe keeps sending you the same type of person.
But the universe isn’t sending them. You are choosing them, again and again.
Below are the habits that won’t stop sabotaging your chance to find and keep real love.
1. You Choose the Familiar Hell Over the Unfamiliar Heaven
It sounds illogical to say you want pain. Of course, you don’t want to be hurt. But the human brain is not designed for happiness; it is designed for survival.
And to your brain, survival means predictability. If you grew up in chaos, or if your first love was volatile, chaos feels like home.
It feels comfortable because you know the layout. You know exactly how to navigate the shouting, the silence, and the tears.
Peace, on the other hand, feels terrifying. It feels like walking into a room with the lights off.
So when you meet someone kind, stable, and consistent, you don’t feel safe. You feel anxious.
You retreat to the people who hurt you, simply because you know how that movie ends.
You are choosing a familiar hell because you haven’t yet learned how to live in an unfamiliar heaven.
2. You Destroy the Peace Because Silence Is Loud
Everything was going well. In fact, it was going too well.
They were kind, attentive, and actually texted you back. And that is exactly when you started picking fights.
That is when you started withdrawing.
You tell people it “just fizzled out,” but your heart knows the truth.
You pulled the pin on the grenade because waiting for it to explode on its own was too stressful. You destroyed it so you could control the demolition.
When you are used to fighting for love, being given it freely feels suspicious.
You find yourself poking at the relationship, looking for a weak spot, and you create a crisis just to feel the rush of resolving it.
You are addicted to the adrenaline of the fall, not the safety of the landing.
3. You Are Trying to Win the Unwinnable Heart
There is a specific kind of high that comes from chasing someone emotionally unavailable. It feels like a challenge.
You tell yourself that if you can just be smart enough, pretty enough, or funny enough, they will open up. You think that if you can crack their code, you will finally be worthy of love.
This isn’t about connection. This is about ego.
You are using them to prove something to yourself. You are trying to rewrite history with a person who doesn’t even want to be in the present.
Every time they pull away, you try harder. You pour all your energy into a black hole, hoping it will eventually fill up and shine back at you. But it never does.
You are fighting a battle that was lost before you even put on your armour.
4. You Silence Your Needs to Be ‘Easy to Love’
You have convinced yourself that having needs makes you “difficult.”
You think that if you ask for reassurance or quality time, you will scare them away. So, you become the “chill” partner.
You let things slide that actually hurt your feelings. You smile when they cancel plans last minute, even though you are furious.
You make yourself small so that you can fit into the cracks of their life. But you aren’t building a relationship.
You are building resentment.
By pretending you don’t have needs, you are attracting people who don’t want to meet them. You are teaching them that it is okay to give you crumbs.
And when you explode along the line, they will be confused because they never knew you were hungry in the first place.
5. You Are Overcorrecting From the Ghost of Exes Past
Your last partner was wild, unpredictable, and made you feel insecure. So, you promised yourself you would never date someone like that again.
You swung the pendulum to the complete opposite side. You found someone safe, logical, and perhaps a little bit boring.
You thought this was the answer. But now, you are resentful.
You are punishing this new person for not being exciting, just as you punished the last one for not being safe.
You aren’t seeing the person in front of you. You are seeing them as a reaction to the person behind you.
You are defining your love life by what you are running away from, not what you are running towards.
You are still in a relationship with your past, and there is no room for anyone new.
6. You Fall in Love With Potential Instead of Reality
You meet someone who is a bit of a mess. Maybe they don’t have a job, or they aren’t ready to commit.
But you see what they could be.
You see their talent, their “good heart,” or the person they might become in five years. You aren’t dating the person standing in front of you. You are dating a project.
You convince yourself that with enough love and patience, you can fix them. This keeps you safe because it keeps you busy.
As long as you are focused on fixing them, you don’t have to look at your own life. But potential is just a fantasy.
You are breaking your own heart waiting for a version of them that may never arrive.
7. You Test the Relationship Until It Finally Breaks
You don’t trust that anyone will stay. Deep down, you believe that everyone leaves eventually.
So, you subconsciously decide to speed up the process. You push their boundaries.
You act out, withdraw, or pick fights over nothing.
You are silently asking, “Will you still love me if I do this? How about this?”
You are testing the structural integrity of the relationship with a sledgehammer.
Eventually, they get tired. And they walk away.
Instead of seeing your role in it, you say, “See? I knew they would leave.”
You prove yourself right, but the cost is your own happiness.
Is This Circuit Breakable?
Dear, it is exhausting running in these circles.
It wears down your hope. It makes you feel like you are broken or, worst still, cursed.
But a pattern is not a curse. It’s just a habit that you have practised for too long.
The good news? Those habits can be broken.
But you have to be willing to sit with the discomfort of doing something different.
The next time you feel the “spark” with someone chaotic, walk away.
The next time you feel “bored” with someone kind, stay. It will feel wrong and unnatural, like wearing your shoes on the wrong feet.
But that feeling is just your brain rewiring itself.
That discomfort is the feeling of you finally breaking free.
You have the power to stop the machine. You just have to take your hand off the lever.
And you can do that today.
