Olalekan Adebumiti
The exhaustion settles into your bones long before the day even begins. It is a heaviness in your chest, a nagging sense that if you stop moving, everything around you will simply grind to a halt.
You are not tired because you are doing too much physically. You are tired because you are the only source of gravity in your own life.
There is a distinct loneliness that comes from being with someone who is content to drift. It is the feeling of being a captain on a ship where the first mate is just watching the waves.
You crave a partner who meets you with the same intensity, but instead, you are met with silence.
This is the reality of loving a man who cannot lead and below are the signs.
1. The Silence Is Fear Disguised as Flexibility
Peace should feel restorative, but your peace feels full of anxiety. It is a vacuum where decisions should be.
You wait for a suggestion, a plan, or a spark of direction, but it never comes. That silence forces you to fill the gap. You step in not because you want control, but because you are terrified of the stagnation.
He likely thinks he is being “easygoing” by letting you choose. In reality, he is hiding.
He is terrified of making the wrong decision or being criticised, so he makes no decision at all. The absence of his input is not flexibility; it is an abandonment of responsibility.
You are left holding the map, the compass, and the wheel, while he avoids the risk of being wrong.
2. Your “Intensity” Is a Response to His Negligence
He likely calls you “intense” or tells you to “chill out.” He mistakes his inaction for being “calm,” not realizing that his calmness is exactly what creates your chaos.
When no one else is looking out for the future, you become hyper-vigilant. You cannot relax because you know there is no safety net beneath you. If you let go, the structure of your shared life collapses.
He views his lack of urgency as a virtue, gaslighting you into feeling guilty for caring about the outcome. But you are not creating drama.
You are trying to create a future, and you are doing it entirely alone because he is too comfortable to look ahead.
3. He Acts Like an Employee, Not a Partner
Romance has turned into another task on your to-do list. He has adopted the mindset of a subordinate waiting for instructions.
He waits for you to tell him what needs to be done, missing the point that figuring out what needs to be done is the hardest part of the work.
If you want connection, you have to engineer it. If you want a deep conversation, you have to initiate it.
It leaves you feeling undesirable, not because he doesn’t want you, but because he doesn’t pursue you. He has stopped trying to win you or lead the relationship; he is simply clocking in and clocking out.
You starve for the feeling of surrendering control for just one moment, but you know you cannot surrender, because no one is there to catch you.
4. His Withdrawal Feeds Your Resentment
Slowly, the admiration you once had is turning into a quiet, simmering anger. It is hard to respect a man when you feel like his mother, his manager, and his safety blanket.
He can likely feel this loss of respect. But instead of stepping up to earn it back, he shrinks away. He withdraws into things he can control, like work or hobbies, because he knows he is failing you, and it is easier to hide than to fix it.
This cycle is poisonous. It kills desire and replaces it with pity. You find yourself envying women who have partners who step up without being asked. You mourn the potential of what could be, trapped in the reality of what is.
Where from Here?
You cannot love a man into maturity. No amount of patience will grant him a spine if he chooses not to grow one.
The pain you feel is your intuition telling you that this load is too heavy for one person to carry. You deserve to rest. You deserve to look beside you and see someone pulling their own weight.
It is time to stop fearing the void that will be left if you stop doing everything. Face the truth of the dynamic.
If you stop rowing, the boat stops. And maybe it is time to let it stop, so you can finally get off.
