Olalekan Adebumiti
Oh, you are so bold to be here.
You finally want to face the ghost of what you’ve been told.
Perhaps in the heat of an argument, perhaps in a whisper, or perhaps even in your own dreams.
Aren’t you the… The… The… problem?
Not to scare you. Don’t mind me.
But we all want to know.
Sometimes we get that uncomfortable feeling in our stomach.
Maybe our partner dropped a hint that landed a little too heavily.
Maybe you read a quote or watched a Reel that felt like a personal attack.
That nagging suggestion that there might be a… trace… of toxicity in the way you love.
And it’s totally fine. Really. We are all works in progress.
But here is the thing: Being toxic doesn’t affect you alone.
In this case, there is collateral damage.
We need to save that innocent partner of yours who is trying their best to love you through the barbed wire.
If you find out you are the one holding the wire… well, you need to know.
So, what are the signs? How do you know if the “villain” in your relationship story might actually be… you?
Here are the Unmistakable Signs
1. The “Trauma Shield”
This is the big one. Whenever your partner brings up a valid complaint about your behaviour, you immediately play the Trauma Card.
- They say, “I feel lonely when you ignore me.”
- You say: “You know I have abandonment issues from my ex! How could you pressure me right now?”
You use your past pain as a shield to deflect any accountability in the present.
You make your partner feel guilty for having needs because your “scars” are bigger than their feelings.
2. You Keep a Scoreboard in Invisible Ink
You have a mental filing cabinet of every mistake they have ever made.
When you get into a new argument about dirty dishes, you suddenly bring up the time they were late to your cousin’s wedding three years ago.
You don’t fight to resolve the issue; you fight to win by piling up evidence of their failures.
3. The “Mind Reader” Expectation
You get angry when they don’t anticipate your needs.
You punish them with silence or coldness because they “should have known” you were upset.
- The Toxic Thought: “If they loved me, they would know why I’m sighing.”
- The Reality: They are a partner, not a psychic. Punishing someone for not having telepathy is a form of emotional manipulation.
4. You Are the Thermostat
The entire mood of the house depends on your mood.
If you are happy, everyone is allowed to be happy. If you are sad or angry, everyone must walk on eggshells.
You take up all the emotional space in the room, and you resent it if your partner dares to be happy when you are miserable.
Now Some Controversial Signs (But True)
5. You Weaponise “Therapy Speak”
This is uncomfortable, but we need to say it. You use words like “gaslighting,” “narcissist,” or “boundaries” to shut your partner down.
You say, “You’re crossing my boundaries!” when actually, you’re just making a rule to control what they are allowed to do. You use the language of healing to enforce compliance.
6. You “Test” Their Love
You subconsciously manufacture chaos just to see if they will stay.
You pick a fight, you push them away, or you threaten to break up, just to get the dopamine hit of them begging you to stay.
You are treating their heart like a crash test dummy to soothe your own insecurity.
7. You Resent Their Independence
You say you want them to be happy, but when they go out with their friends and have a great time without you, you feel a spike of anger.
You make them “pay for it” when they get home by being cold or passive-aggressive.
You have confused “closeness” with “possession.”
The Moment of Truth…
If you read this and your heart is racing… Thank you.
Thank you for being brave enough to read to the end. Thank you for caring enough about your partner to check the mirror.
Recognising toxicity is the death of toxicity, and that’s the good news.
The fact that you are worried about being the problem proves that you have the conscience to fix it.
You are not a monster; you are a human who learned some bad survival skills that you don’t need anymore.
I hope you have it good in life. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
But if you saw yourself in these points, please, endeavour to get help.
Whether it’s a therapist, a book, or a deep conversation with yourself. Do the work.
Your partner deserves the best of you. And frankly, so do you.
