Olalekan Adebumiti
Think back to being a child. The first time you stole a candy from the jar, you were clumsy. You got caught because you didn’t know the “rules” of the heist.
But the second time? You were quieter. You checked the floorboards for creaks. You learned how to hide the evidence.
Cheating in adulthood follows the same trajectory.
While many articles online give you a “checklist” of signs—sudden gym trips, a locked phone, or late nights at the office—a master of the craft can pass every one of those tests with flying colours.
If you suspect something but find nothing, it isn’t always because there is nothing to find. Sometimes, it’s because you are playing against a professional.
1. They Know Your “IQ”
A partner who wants to hide a secret doesn’t just hide the secret; they study you.
They understand your level of intelligence, your patterns of suspicion, and what you are willing to believe.
If they know you are tech-savvy, they won’t use standard apps. If they know you are observant, they will create “noise” to distract you.
They play their way through your logic, staying exactly one step ahead of your investigative threshold.
2. The Paradox of Value
Here is a hard truth: A man who values you—but is struggling with a “bad habit” or a compulsion to cheat—is often much harder to catch than a man who doesn’t care about you at all.
When we value someone, we are terrified of hurting them. That fear makes us self-conscious. It makes us meticulous.
The partner who loves you (in their own flawed way) will erase every trace, scrub every digital footprint, and maintain a perfect “normal” at home because they cannot bear the thought of losing you.
The man who gives no damn about your happiness is sloppy because he doesn’t care if the house burns down.
3. The “Detection” Problem
Sometimes, the problem isn’t the cheater; it’s the detector.
- Naivety: You might be so good-hearted that you simply cannot conceive of the level of double-life your partner is leading.
- Misplaced Focus: You might be so concerned with the relationship’s “output”—the bills being paid, the kids being fed, the basic needs being met—that you subconsciously ignore the cracks in the foundation.
- Wrong Techniques: You are looking for a “sledgehammer” (a direct text or a physical clue) when the evidence is actually “sand” (tiny shifts in energy or subtle changes in stories).
4. The Mirror: Is it Infidelity or Impact?
We often hear that “withdrawing” is a sign of cheating. But before you set a trap, you have to look in the mirror.
Withdrawal is a symptom, but the disease isn’t always another person. What if they are withdrawing because they’ve realised you only care about yourself?
What if they’ve learned that they can’t have a healthy disagreement with you without being blamed? What if they are hiding new thoughts or interests because they are afraid your reaction will be problematic?
Before you assume they are finding someone else, ask yourself: Am I a safe person to come home to? Sometimes the wall they built wasn’t to hide a lover, but to protect themselves from you.
5. A Question of Perspective
Don’t let suspicion turn you into a conspiracist. Just because a partner is crafty doesn’t mean they are cheating. Not everyone cheats.
Ask yourself this: Do you cheat?
If the answer is no, then you already have proof that loyalty exists. Why is it so easy to believe that everyone else is a villain? Don’t destroy a good thing by setting unnecessary traps for a ghost.
The Bottom Line
If you are looking for a reason to leave, you will find one. If you are looking for a reason to stay, you must focus on the relationship you actually have, not the one you imagine is happening in the dark.
Stop trying to catch them in a lie and start looking at the truth of how you treat each other. If the connection is dead, it doesn’t matter if there is a third person or not—the house is already empty.
