Olalekan Adebumiti
It is one of the most isolating experiences a human can endure: being in a room with the person you love most and feeling like you are shouting into a canyon.
You aren’t looking for a fight; you’re looking for a connection. You are trying to explain why a certain behavior hurt you, perhaps with tears or a raised voice born of pure frustration. You are pleading for him to just see you.
And he is a statue. Blank-faced. Silent.
Maybe he says, “I’m not doing this.” Maybe he walks out, or perhaps he performs the ultimate act of dismissal: he turns up the volume on the TV.
The more you push for a reaction, the further he retreats. By the end, the roles are unfairly cast: you look “unstable”—exhausted and hyperventilating—while he remains the “calm” one.
He wins by default because he refused to play.
In psychology, this is the Pursuer-Distancer Dance, and it is a trap.
He isn’t being stoic; he is stonewalling.
He is using silence as a shield to avoid accountability, knowing that if he doesn’t enter the ring, he can’t get knocked out. But you cannot build a life with a wall.
If you want to get through, you have to stop using a sledgehammer and start dismantling the barrier, brick by brick.
Here is how to engage with a partner who refuses to fight.
1. Cease the Physical Chase
When he walks away, your anxiety spikes. You feel abandoned, so you follow him—into the kitchen, the bedroom, or the hallway—shouting, “No, we are finishing this!”
Stop.
When you chase him, you trigger a primal fight-or-flight response. His brain floods with cortisol, and he physically loses the ability to process your words.
He is in “survival mode.” By standing your ground and letting him go, you disrupt the pattern. You signal that you are not a predator, which allows him to stop acting like prey.
2. Switch the Medium (The Power of Script)
High-emotion verbal confrontations can be overwhelming for men who struggle with real-time emotional processing. They hear the volume and the tone, but they miss the message.
Switch to a letter, a long text, or an email.
- Keep it logical: Stick to the facts.
- Use “I” statements: Focus on how you feel rather than what he did wrong.
- The Hand-off: Give it to him and say, “We aren’t getting anywhere talking. Read this when you’re ready. I need you to understand my perspective.”
This removes the “heat” and allows him to digest your words without the immediate pressure to defend himself.
3. Ask Questions Instead of Making Accusations
Accusations like “You never listen” or “You’re being selfish” invite immediate deflection. Instead, use the Socratic Method. Ask questions that force him to engage his cognitive brain:
- “How do you think we should solve this problem?”
- “What was your intention when you said that?”
- “If the roles were reversed, how would you feel?”
Statements require a defence; questions require an answer. It is much harder to ignore a direct, thoughtful question than a direct insult.
4. Physically Reset the Room
The “energy” of a room dictates the argument. If you are standing over him or pacing, you are creating a sense of chaos.
Change the dynamic. Sit down. Lower your voice to a whisper. It feels counterintuitive when you want to scream, but when you whisper, he has to lean in to hear you. By sitting, you signal that you are not a threat.
Say: “I’m not trying to fight you. I’m trying to understand. Can you sit with me for five minutes?”
5. Call Out the Tactic (Without Anger)
He likely views his silence as “keeping the peace.” You need to explain that his silence is an active, hurtful behaviour.
Say: “I know you hate arguing. I do too. But when you go silent, I don’t feel peace—I feel abandoned. Your silence hurts me more than your shouting would.”
Most men don’t realise that their “de-escalation” is actually pouring gasoline on your anxiety.
6. Set a “Return Time” for Timeouts
Some people genuinely get “flooded” and need to step away to think. That is fine, but a break without a return time is just an escape.
If he walks away, tell him: “Okay, take your space. But we are coming back to this in one hour.” Defined silence is a pause; open-ended silence is torture. If he refuses to return, he isn’t taking a timeout—he is practising neglect.
7. The Nuclear Option: Removing Yourself
If you have tried the calm approach, the letters, and the space, and he still refuses to meet you… stop trying.
There is a difference between a man who is overwhelmed by conflict and a man who simply does not care about your pain. If he can watch you plead and offer nothing in return, he is showing you his character.
The ultimate way to “win” with a man who won’t fight is to leave the arena. Say: “I cannot be in a relationship where I am the only one fighting for it. Since you have nothing to say, I assume you are okay with this ending.” Then, walk away. Often, that is the only moment he will finally find his voice.
Where from Here?
Ask yourself: Why am I chasing? Are you trying to resolve the issue, or are you trying to force him to validate you? Sometimes we scream because we want proof that they still have a pulse—that they still care.
Stop trying to resuscitate a mannequin. You deserve a partner who views conflict as a bridge to understanding, not a moat to hide behind. If he won’t open the door, stop banging on it. Walk through the one marked “Exit.”
