Olalekan Adebumiti
Modern dating often feels like a race.
Between the constant notifications and the pressure to find “the one” as quickly as possible, it is easy to find yourself emotionally exhausted.
Slow dating is the antidote to this frantic pace.
It is about taking your time to truly recognise who a person is before you give them a permanent place in your life.
By slowing down, you protect your heart from the “burnout” of intense, short-lived connections.
Here are the ten rules for slow dating with confidence.
1. Limit the Number of Dates per Week
In the beginning, it is tempting to see a new person every other night.
However, slow dating requires you to pace yourself.
Limit your meetings to once a week for the first month.
This allows the excitement to settle and gives you time to process your feelings in between dates.
When you see someone too often, you can easily mistake “frequency” for “intimacy.”
Space allows you to see them clearly.
2. Avoid the Marathon Phone Calls
It is easy to spend five hours on the phone with a stranger and feel like you have found your soulmate.
The problem is that these marathon sessions create a false sense of closeness.
You are bonding with a voice and an idea, not the actual person.
Keep your early phone calls and texts brief and focused on organising the next meeting.
Save the deep life stories for when you are sitting across from them in person.
3. Maintain Your Existing Routine
A high-value woman does not clear her schedule for a man she has just met.
Keep your gym classes, your book clubs, and your Friday nights with friends exactly as they are.
By maintaining your routine, you ensure that your happiness remains your own responsibility.
If a date fits into your life, that is wonderful.
If it requires you to abandon your commitments, it is moving too fast.
4. Share Your Life in Layers
Vulnerability is a gift that must be earned.
You do not need to share your childhood traumas or your deepest fears on the second date.
Practise gradual disclosure.
Share the surface layers of your life first and watch how they handle that information.
Do they listen?
Do they show empathy?
Only move to the deeper layers once they have proven they are a safe place for your truth.
5. Focus on Actions over Adjectives
It is easy for someone to tell you they are “loyal,” “kind,” or “looking for a serious relationship.”
In slow dating, you ignore the adjectives and focus on the actions.
Pay attention to their consistency.
Do they call when they say they will?
Are they respectful to people in the service industry?
Character is revealed through patterns of behaviour over time, not through a charming speech over dinner.
6. Stay in the Present Moment
Resist the urge to “future-map” your relationship.
Do not wonder what your wedding would look like or what your children would be named after three dates.
When you live in the future, you stop seeing the person in front of you.
You start falling in love with a fantasy.
Force yourself to stay in the “now” and judge the relationship based only on what has actually happened so far.
7. Keep Your Personal Options Open
Until you have had a clear conversation about exclusivity and commitment, you are a free agent.
You do not have to go on dozens of dates with other people, but you should maintain the “single” mindset.
This prevents you from becoming overly attached to one person before they have actually earned your loyalty.
It keeps your energy light and reminds you that you are the one doing the choosing.
8. Pay Attention to Your “Peace Score”
After a date, ask yourself: “Do I feel peaceful or do I feel anxious?”
High-intensity chemistry often feels like a roller coaster, but a healthy connection should feel like a calm sea.
If you spend the days after a date over-analysing every text message or worrying about where you stand, the pace is likely too fast or the person is not a match.
Your body knows the truth long before your mind does.
9. Don’t Ignore the Small Red Flags
When we rush into love, we often “paint over” the red flags because we want the relationship to work.
Slow dating gives you the time to notice the small inconsistencies.
If he makes a dismissive comment or shows a flash of a temper, take note.
You do not have to start a fight, but you should observe if it becomes a pattern.
It is much easier to walk away after four dates than it is after four months.
10. Be Entirely Willing to Walk Away
The ultimate rule of slow dating is that you are not married to the outcome.
You are dating to see if there is a fit, and if there isn’t, you leave.
You do not try to “fix” them or convince them to be better.
Because you have moved slowly and protected your heart, walking away will feel like a choice rather than a tragedy.
You are protecting your future self from a relationship that was never meant to be.
The Power of the Slow Burn
Slow dating is not about being “boring” or “playing hard to get.”
It is about having the self-respect to ensure that the person entering your life is actually worthy of being there.
A fire that starts with a slow burn often lasts much longer than a flash in the pan.
By taking your time, you build a foundation of real friendship and trust that can support a lifetime of love.
