Olalekan Adebumiti
Attraction doesn’t always die with a bang. There isn’t always a screaming match in the street or a discovery of a dodgy text message. Sometimes, attraction dies in silence.
It dies in the gap between “I’ll see when I’m free” and actually booking a date. It dies in the shrugs. It dies in the “we’ll see.”
You didn’t stop fancying him because he did something bad. You stopped fancying him because he stopped doing anything at all.
It starts slowly. At first, his laid-back attitude feels like a relief. Maybe you dated someone chaotic before. Maybe your last ex was jealous, controlling, or full of drama.
So, meeting a man who says, “I’m easy, whatever you want,” feels like a breath of fresh air. It feels safe. You tell your friends, “He’s just so chill. nothing phases him.”
But three months in, six months in, that “chill” starts to feel heavy. It starts to feel like a weight you are carrying all by yourself.
You are confusing peace with passivity. And passivity is the silent killer of desire.
These points explain when being too laid back kills attraction.
1. You Are Tired of Being the Project Manager
Here is a scenario you know too well. It’s Wednesday evening. You want to see him this weekend. You send a text: “Hey, do you fancy doing something on Saturday?”
Two hours later, the reply comes: “Yeah, sure. I’m easy.”
And just like that, the ball is back in your court. Again.
It sounds polite. It sounds accommodating. But what he has actually done is handed you a job. Now you have to check the weather.
You have to look up train times or parking. You have to find a restaurant that isn’t fully booked. You have to decide if it’s a day drink vibe or a dinner vibe.
He thinks he is being flexible. But you feel like his secretary.
Attraction relies on polarity. It relies on energy meeting energy. When you are the one making every decision from where to eat to what time to meet, to when to book the holiday, you are forced into a masculine, managerial role.
You are the boss. And it is very hard to feel romantic towards an employee.
You want him to say, “I’ve booked a table at that Italian place for 7 pm on Saturday. Wear that dress I like.” That isn’t controlling. That is initiative. That is sexy.
It shows he has thought about you when you weren’t in the room. When he leaves it all to you, the subtext is: I don’t care enough to plan.
Read: How To Get A Laid-Back Man To Make Decisions.
2. He Makes You Feel Like “One of the Lads”
Being laid back is great for a Sunday afternoon on the sofa. It can be terrible for courtship.
When a man is too laid back, the romance evaporates. He treats you like his mate from the pub. He stops trying to impress you because he assumes you are “cool” and you “get him.”
He stops dressing up for dates. He suggests “just hanging out” at his place instead of going out. He stops asking you questions about your day because he’s “just going with the flow.”
You start to feel like an accessory to his life, rather than the main event.
You find yourself checking your makeup in the mirror and wondering why you bothered. You bought a new outfit, and he didn’t even notice because he was too busy being “chill.”
You want to feel desired. You want to feel pursued. But you can’t be pursued by a man who is standing still.
A man who is too laid back treats you like furniture. He assumes you will always be there, so he doesn’t need to do any maintenance. But you are not a sofa.
You are a woman who needs to know she is chosen, not just tolerated.
Also Read: Is He Laid Back or Has He Checked Out?
3. You Mistake His Silence for Stability
This is the trickiest part. You stay because you think his lack of reaction is a sign of strength.
You think, At least we don’t fight.
But you don’t fight because he doesn’t care enough to engage. A man who is too laid back often lacks passion in every area of his life. If he is “meh” about where you go for dinner, he might be “meh” about his career. He might be “meh” about his future.
You start to look at him and wonder: Where are we going?
And the terrifying answer is: Nowhere.
You are standing on a travelator that isn’t moving. You look at his life and see a flat line. No highs, no lows, just a steady, grey hum of existence.
You try to talk to him about it. You say, “I feel like we’re in a rut.”
And he looks at you, genuinely confused, and says, “Why? Everything’s fine. Why are you overthinking it?”
He gaslights you with his calmness. He makes you feel like the crazy one for wanting momentum. He makes you feel like a drama queen for wanting progress. But you aren’t crazy. You are just alive.
4. The “Mum” Dynamic Kills the Bedroom
This is the brutal truth nobody says to your face.
If you have to remind him to book the tickets, remind him to text his mum for her birthday, and tell him what to wear to your cousin’s wedding, you are not his girlfriend. You are his mother.
And nobody wants to sleep with their mother.
When he is too laid back to manage his own social life or his own relationship, you step in to fill the gap. It’s a survival instinct. If you didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done. But the price you pay is your libido.
You cannot look at a man with lust when you have spent the last three hours organising his life for him.
You resent him. You resent that he gets to float through life stress-free while you are carrying the mental load for two people.
That resentment builds a wall. Every time he says “whatever you want,” he adds another brick to that wall. Eventually, the wall is so high you can’t even see him anymore. You just see a child you have to look after.
5. It Makes You Question Your Worth
This is the deepest cut.
When he doesn’t make an effort, you start to tell yourself it’s because you aren’t worth the effort.
You think, If I was prettier, he’d plan a date.
You think, If I was more exciting, he wouldn’t just want to watch Netflix again.
You think, If he really loved me, he wouldn’t be this lazy.
You start working harder to compensate. You plan more exciting dates. You buy sexier lingerie. You try to be the “cool girl” who doesn’t nag. You suppress your needs because you don’t want to disturb his “chill.”
But it doesn’t work. He just takes it. He absorbs your effort like a sponge and gives nothing back.
His laid-back nature makes you feel invisible. You feel like you could be anyone.
If you left tomorrow and another woman slotted into your place, would he even notice the difference? Or would he just say “cool” to her, too?
The Mirror Moment
So, look at yourself.
You are reading this because you feel guilty. You feel guilty for being annoyed at a “nice guy.” You feel guilty for craving a bit of friction, a bit of fire.
Stop it.
You are not wrong for wanting a man with a pulse.
You are not high-maintenance for wanting a plan.
You are not “too much” for wanting to feel like you are in a partnership, not a solo mission.
Being laid back is a personality trait. Being lazy is a choice. If he is too laid back to fight for you, to plan for you, and to surprise you, then he is too laid back to keep you.
You deserve a love that has a heartbeat. You deserve a man who wakes up and chooses you, actively and loudly, every single day. Don’t let his silence convince you that you should be quiet, too.
Speak up. Tell him you need more. And if his response is just another shrug?
Then maybe it’s time you became “chill” about whether he stays or goes.
