Olalekan Adebumiti
I have a challenge for you. It is terrifying, I know, but I want you to imagine it.
Imagine you stop.
Imagine you stop texting first. Stop planning the dates. Stop asking him how his day was. Stop tagging him in memes to keep the connection alive. Stop driving the conversation.
What happens?
Does he step up to fill the silence? Does he call you to ask why you’ve gone quiet? Or does the relationship simply evaporate because you were the only one holding it together?
If the thought of stepping back makes you panic because you know he wouldn’t step forward, you already have your answer. You aren’t in a partnership; you are in a solo performance.
You are forcing it. And the brutal truth is, he can feel it.
Desperation is a cologne that you can’t smell on yourself, but it chokes everyone else in the room. It doesn’t make him love you more; it makes him pity you, or worse, resent you.
Here are the signs you are trying to negotiate a desire that simply isn’t there.
1. You Are The C.E.O. Of The Relationship
You are the planner, the organiser, and the executor. You pick the restaurant. You book the tickets. You remind him of his own mother’s birthday.
If you didn’t plan the date, you wouldn’t go on one. You tell yourself that he is just “laid back” or “bad at planning.”
He isn’t bad at planning. He plans boys’ trips. He plans his gym schedule. He plans his fantasy football league. He just doesn’t value the time with you enough to engineer it.
When you do all the work, you force him into a passive role where he just shows up. That isn’t love; it’s attendance.
2. You Are His P.R. Manager
When your friends ask about him, do you find yourself “spinning” the story?
“He’s just really stressed at work right now.”
“He’s not good with phones.”
“He shows love in different ways.”
You are constantly translating his indifference into a language that sounds like love. You are working overtime to convince your friends (and yourself) that he is a good partner.
A man who loves you speaks for himself through his actions. If you have to make excuses for him, you are covering up the cracks in the foundation.
3. You Are Scared To Rock The Boat
You have needs, but you swallow them. You want to ask for more affection, more time, or a label, but you stay silent.
Why? Because you are terrified that if you demand anything, he will leave.
You feel like the relationship is so fragile that a single conversation could shatter it. That is not safety; that is a hostage situation.
You are forcing the relationship to survive by suppressing your own personality. You are trying to be the “Cool Girl” because you think the “Real You” is too much for him.
4. You Are The Only One Reading The Books
You are reading articles like this one. You are reading books on attachment theory. You are listening to relationship podcasts. You are sending him Instagram posts about “How to communicate better.”
You are treating the relationship like a project that needs to be fixed. He treats it like a sofa he is sitting on.
If you are the only one trying to improve the dynamic, you are the only one who thinks it’s broken. He is perfectly happy with the status quo because he is getting all the benefits of a girlfriend without putting in the effort of a boyfriend.
5. You Mistake “Tolerance” For “Love”
He replies to your texts… eventually. He agrees to come over… if he has nothing else on. He says “love you too”… when you say it first.
He tolerates you. He likes you enough to keep you around, but not enough to claim you.
You are forcing love by accepting his breadcrumbs and calling it a meal. You are confusing his lack of rejection with active selection.
Just because he hasn’t dumped you doesn’t mean he wants you. It just means you are convenient.
6. You Buy His Affection
You buy him expensive gifts. You run errands for him. You cook elaborate meals. You offer sex when you don’t really want to, just to feel close to him.
You are subconsciously trying to create a debt. You think, “If I do enough for him, he will have to love me back.”
But desire is not a transaction. You cannot purchase passion with favours. In fact, over-giving often repels men because it feels heavy. It feels like you are trying to entrap them with kindness.
7. You Ignore The “I’m Not Ready” Speech
He told you. He looked you in the eye and said, “I’m not looking for anything serious,” or “I’m scared of commitment.”
But you stayed. You thought, “I can change him. Once he sees how amazing I am, he will change his mind.”
Staying after a man tells you he doesn’t want you is the ultimate form of forcing it. You are disregarding his stated boundary because it conflicts with your fantasy. You are forcing a narrative onto him that he has explicitly rejected.
What Next, Dear?
Stop rowing.
Put the oars down. Let the boat drift.
It is terrifying, I know. You are afraid that if you stop working, the boat will come to a standstill. And you are right… It probably will.
But that stillness is the answer you need.
You deserve a love that flows, not a love that you have to drag uphill. You deserve a partner who grabs the other oar and pulls with you.
If you have to force him to see your value, he is blind. If you have to beg him to love you, he is incapable.
Walk away. Not to manipulate him into chasing you, but to save yourself from the exhaustion of loving enough for two people.
