Olalekan Adebumiti
Girl… You didn’t use to be this quiet.
Look at photos of yourself from two years ago. You were louder. You wore brighter colours.
You had opinions, and you voiced them without looking over your shoulder.
Now, you apologise before you speak.
You check your reflection constantly, not to admire yourself, but to check for flaws.
You feel small.
Confidence doesn’t disappear overnight.
It is often sanded down, layer by layer, by a partner who needs you to be smaller so he can feel big.
This guy doesn’t break you with a sledgehammer; he erodes you like water dripping on a stone.
And I’m here hoping you’ll take the wheel, drive this relationship to a halt and find your way back home.
When you’re ready, here are 12 signs he is slowly dismantling who you are.
1. He Disguises Cruelty As “Brutal Honesty”
He says hurtful things, and when you get upset, he rolls his eyes. “I’m just being honest,” he says. “Would you rather I lie?”
He frames his insults as a virtue. He claims he is the only one brave enough to tell you the truth. But honesty without kindness isn’t honesty; it’s just cruelty wrapped in a bow. He uses “truth” as a weapon to cut you down.
2. He “Helpfully” Critiques Your Appearance
He never says “you look ugly.” He is smarter than that.
He says, “Are you wearing that?”
He says, “I think you’d look better if you wore less makeup.”
He picks lint off your shoulder with a sigh.
He treats you like a fixer-upper project. He makes you feel like you are constantly failing a dress code that only he knows.
3. He Jokes About Your Intelligence In Public
You are at dinner with friends. You tell a story.
He chuckles and says, “She’s terrible with geography,” or “Don’t mind her, she’s had a glass of wine.”
Everyone laughs. You laugh too, because you don’t want to cause a scene.
But he just undermined you in front of an audience.
He signalled to the room that he is the smart one, and you are the cute, silly accessory.
4. He Moves The Goalposts
You work hard to please him. You clean the flat perfectly.
He comes home and points out the one spot you missed.
You get a promotion. He asks why you didn’t get a bigger raise.
You play games with a game fixer. And you think you have a chance to win?
The moment you reach his standard, he raises it.
He keeps you running on a treadmill of approval that you will never catch up to.
You should be knackered, girl.
5. He Weaponises Silence
When you argue, he doesn’t scream. But then… He goes cold. He ignores you for days.
He walks past you like you are a ghost, and you’ve once wondered if this was true.
His silence is loud. It screams, “You do not exist to me unless you behave.”
He trains you to fear his withdrawal more than his anger.
You end up apologising just to get him to speak again, even when you did nothing wrong.
Your heart must be running in a loop, girl.
6. He Treats Your Emotions As “Drama”
You cry because he hurt you.
He sighs. “Here we go again,” he says. “You’re too sensitive.”
You call him your ride or die, but he refuses to engage with your feelings.
This guy labels any display of emotion as “crazy” or “hysterical.”
Eventually, you stop showing emotion at all.
You become a statue because statues don’t get mocked.
And have you been cool with this for this long?
7. He Rewrites History
You know he said he would call. He claims he never said that.
You know he was rude to your mother. He claims you are imagining it.
He says it with such conviction that you check your own memory.
You start to trust his version of reality over your own.
This is how he takes the steering wheel of your mind.
8. He Interrupts You Constantly
You start speaking. He cuts in. He finishes your sentences. He talks over you.
It seems minor, but the message is major: My voice matters. Yours does not.
He teaches you that your thoughts are secondary. Over time, you stop bothering to speak up at all.
9. He Makes You Apologise For Being Hurt
He steps on your foot. You say, “Ouch.” He gets angry at you for yelling.
Suddenly, the argument isn’t about him stepping on your foot. It is about your reaction.
By the end of the fight, you are apologising to him for making a fuss.
He flips the script so he is always the victim, and you are always the aggressor.
This should not continue, dear.
10. He Compares You To Other Women “Innocently”
And then he talks about his colleague who is “so driven.”
He talks about his ex, who “never complained.”
He doesn’t directly say “be like them.”
He just leaves the comparison hanging in the air.
He makes you feel like you are in a competition you are losing.
He keeps you insecure, so you work harder than a clock, just so you can keep him.
11. He Withholds Affection As Punishment
Your man is only sweet when you are doing exactly what he wants.
The moment you disagree, the physical touch stops. The compliments stop.
He treats affection like a dog treat. You only get it when you obey commands.
You learn to starve yourself of needs just to get a crumb of love.
And no one told you of a king-sized portion?
12. He Acts Like He Is “Settling” For You
To make it worse, he mentions how many women hit on him.
He talks about how picky he used to be, until he met you.
He creates a narrative where he is the prize, and you are the lucky winner who barely scraped through the entry requirements.
He wants you to feel grateful that he chose you, so you never ask for more.
I don’t think that’s all there is to your life, dear.
For a Moment…
Stop.
Look at the woman in the mirror.
As you can see, she is not “crazy.” She is not “stupid.” She is not “too much.”
She is reacting normally to an abnormal situation.
She is a flower trying to bloom in a dark room.
And she is you.
You do not need to “fix” yourself, dear.
You need to change your environment.
The voice in your head telling you that you aren’t good enough isn’t yours. It’s his.
Tell him to shut up. And then walk out the door.
I can bet you’ll be fine.
