Bukola Arikawe
Those little issues that crop up between you and your partner can sometimes snowball into massive arguments.
Yep, they have the potential to take you from a cute disagreement about what movie to watch to a full-on battle of epic proportions!
Boom! A big fight hits you like a tidal wave, leaving you drenched in emotions you don’t quite know how to handle.
Be that as it may, it’s possible for you to steer clear of those chaotic waters.
Yes, really!
With these twelve powerful pre-fight moves, you can be geared up to tackle that impending storm with your love boat still afloat!
Why don’t you come along as we embark on this journey that’ll change the way you approach big fights forever?
Shall we?
1. Reflect on the Issue
The first epic move in this pre-fight playbook is to carry out a deep self-reflection on the issue at hand. It might sound like some deep philosophical stuff, but trust me, it’s more down-to-earth than you think!
Before you let those fiery words fly out of your mouth in the midst of an argument or disagreement like a dragon breathing fire, take a pause.
Yeah, that’s right, a pause!
Reflect on what’s actually bugging you, like Sherlock Holmes trying to crack the case of the missing peace in your relationship.
Indeed, it’s sometimes not easy to pump the brakes in the heat of the moment or when tensions are rising like a thermometer on a scorching summer day.
Still, reflecting on the issue can be a total game-changer. It’s like applying a soothing balm to those raw emotions, cooling them down to a simmer rather than a boiling explosion.
Self-reflection is like looking in the mirror of truth, where you can see yourself and the situation with a fresh perspective.
2. Stay Calm and Composed
Staying calm in the heat of the moment can feel like trying to balance a stack of wobbly Jenga blocks while blindfolded.
Staying calm doesn’t mean suppressing your emotions like shaking up a soda can until it explodes.
Oh no, that’s a recipe for disaster!
It’s more like recognizing your feelings, giving them a friendly nod, and then gently guiding them to a comfy armchair in your mind’s living room.
Staying completely calm and composed 100% of the time is no superhero power. We’re all human, and emotions can get the better of us.
But with practice and a pinch of patience, you can get darn close to mastering this art.
Think of it like riding a bike for the first time. Cast your mind back to those wobbles and shaky knees. But as you kept at it, those wobbles turned into smooth glides, and you felt like a superstar on two wheels.
The same goes for staying calm during conflicts. It’s about acknowledging that emotions will be there, but you have the power to take a deep breath, centre yourself, and respond with clarity rather than react impulsively.
It’s not about being a robot devoid of feelings – oh no, that’s no fun! It’s about being the captain of your emotional ship, guiding it skillfully through choppy waters.
3. Choose the Right Time and Place
Whenever you’re on the brink of a battle royale with your partner, ready to unleash your verbal fury, hold the brake on your horses!
Before you launch into the verbal rodeo, think about this – timing is everything!
It’s like trying to catch a firefly in the dark – you need the right moment to make the magic happen.
Choosing the right place is like setting the stage for a Broadway show. You’d pick a cosy spot where you can have some privacy and not in front of a grocery store.
Though finding the perfect time and place can sometimes feel like a wild goose chase as life gets in the way and schedules clash!
Yet, perfection is not the goal here. It’s all about making the best of the situation. If you can’t find the elusive “perfect” moment, just go for the next best thing.
4. Make a Conscious Effort to Listen Actively and Empathetically
Active listening isn’t just about hearing the words; it’s about diving deep into the ocean of emotions behind them.
Active listening isn’t a special skill you’re born with. Oh no, it’s more like a superpower you cultivate through practice and intention.
Guess what? They might not remember the exact words you said, but they’ll never forget the way you made them feel – understood, valued, and truly heard.
The reality of the chaos called life is that we’re not always gonna be perfect listeners, and that’s okay!
Sometimes, you might get distracted by that squirrel outside the window, or your stomach could start its own drum solo when you’re trying to concentrate. It happens to the best of us!
Albeit, the effort you put into active listening is like planting seeds of connection. Even if you miss a beat here and there, those seeds will grow into a beautiful garden of trust and intimacy.
5. Use “I” Statements
Using “I” statements is like summoning the crusader version of communication – it’s like turning plain old spaghetti into a gourmet pasta dish!
When you say, “You never listen to me,” it’s like a brick wall coming up between you two. But when you switch to “I” statements, it’s like breaking down that wall brick by brick and building a bridge instead.
It’s like saying, “I feel unheard when we argue,” or “I get frustrated when I think my feelings aren’t considered.”
At times in the heat of the moment, we tend to point fingers like we’re playing a high-stakes game of “Whodunnit.”
Notwithstanding, using “I” statements takes practice.
So, give yourself a break. Nobody’s expecting you to be a master communicator overnight. It takes time, patience, and a bit of trial and error.
But the more you practice, the more it becomes second nature. Soon enough, you’ll be tossing “I” statements around like confetti at a celebration!
6. Focus on the Issue, Not the Person
Before you start firing those words like bullets amidst a heated argument, remember this golden rule – “focus on the issue, not the person.”
It’s all about shifting your perspective from “you vs. me” to “us vs. the problem.” It’s like joining forces as a dynamic duo, ready to take on any challenge life throws your way.
You see, focusing on the issue doesn’t mean you’re sweeping problems under the rug. No! It’s about facing them head-on, like fearless warriors on a mission to find solutions.
When you shift your focus to the problem itself, you can open up a world of possibilities for growth and understanding.
There will be moments when you slip and accidentally aim those verbal arrows at your partner instead of the problem.
It happens!
We’re all a work in progress.
Each time you catch yourself and redirect your focus, you’re building the muscle of mindful communication. You’re becoming a pro at handling conflicts with grace and empathy.
7. Avoid Bringing up the Past
Avoiding the past in a big fight is like decluttering your relationship closet. You don’t need those old skeletons hanging around, haunting your present moments.
Just hit the “refresh” button and focus on what’s happening right here, right now.
Those old memories can sometimes creep up like unexpected guests at a party.
Nonetheless, just because the past knocks on your door doesn’t mean you have to let it in for a cup of tea.
Bringing up the past during a fight is like taking that detour when you were already on the path to a resolution.
In all, the more you practice staying present in your conflicts, the easier it gets. A bit of patience and consistency, and you’ll have a well-behaved relationship in no time!
8. Avoid Blame Games, Name-Calling or Insults
I know it’s tempting to throw those verbal grenades when things get heated but trust me, there’s a better way to navigate the stormy seas of a big fight.
Before you launch into the blame game and start throwing punches with your words, let’s take a moment to unleash the secret weapon against verbal warfare – the power of restraint.
By taking a step back and choosing your words wisely, you can keep the battlefield of words from turning into a nuclear disaster.
Amidst a heated argument, you can decide to press the “pause” button on the fight, take a breath, and revisit the issue when cooler heads prevail.
Avoiding the blame game isn’t about suppressing your feelings or pretending everything’s peachy when it’s not. It’s about choosing to communicate with respect, even in the midst of conflict.
It’s like putting a protective shield around your words, ensuring they don’t cause lasting wounds. After all, words have the power to build bridges or burn them down.
Every time you catch yourself and choose a different path, you’re strengthening the muscles of empathy and understanding. You’re becoming a Jedi master of emotional communication, and that’s pretty darn amazing!
9. Be Open to Compromise and Negotiate
Being open to compromise and negotiate is like throwing a rope bridge over that vast chasm between you two. It’s like saying, “Hey, let’s meet in the middle and figure this out together.”
Compromising and negotiating aren’t always as easy as picking your favourite ice cream flavour. We all have our stubborn moments, but that octopus of stubbornness can turn into a friendly dolphin of cooperation if you give it a chance.
The more you embrace the art of compromise, the more harmony you’ll create in your relationship.
When you’re open to meeting in the middle, you build a stronger bond with your partner, like two puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together.
So, the next time you feel the winds of conflict blowing, remember this little secret of being open to compromise and negotiate.
It’s like having a communication superpower, a surefire way to transform a big fight into a beautiful dance of understanding and collaboration.
10. Take Responsibility for Your Actions
When you take responsibility, you’re not just admitting a fault; you’re opening the door to understanding and healing.
Taking responsibility isn’t about playing a blame-guilt game. It’s about embracing the beautiful mess that you are, flaws and all.
It’s like turning on the “growth mindset” light bulb, illuminating the path to personal growth and connection.
Saying, “Hey, I messed up, and I’m working on it”, is like watering a tiny seed of understanding that can blossom into a strong oak tree of trust.
Owning up to your actions isn’t always a smooth ride. There might be moments when your ego says, “Nuh-uh, not taking the blame!”
Nevertheless, each time you muster the courage to say, “I’m responsible,” you’re chiselling away at the walls that separate you from your partner.
So, the next time a big fight knocks on your door, take a breath, put on your responsibility cape, and own up to your part in the matter.
Embrace the beautiful mess that is you and watch as conflicts turn into opportunities for growth and understanding.
11. Seek Outside Help if Necessary
Seeking outside help is like enlisting the support of a wise old wizard, someone who’s seen it all and can offer a fresh perspective.
There’s no shame in calling in the cavalry when you need it!
Reaching out for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a badge of courage. It’s like asking for directions when you’re lost in a maze – sometimes, you need that helping hand to find your way.
At times, big fights can get too tangled and complex for you to handle alone. That’s where outside help comes in. It’s a relationship lifeline; someone who can untangle those knots and bring clarity to the chaos.
Seeking outside help shows you care about your relationship enough to do whatever it takes to make it better.
Thus, the next time you find yourself in the midst of a big fight that seems to have no end in sight, remember this little secret: seek outside help if necessary.
Someone who can guide you through the storm and help you find the sunshine again might just be all you need to sail through the stormy waters your relationship is currently on.
12. Apologize, Forgive and Reaffirm Your Love
Offering a genuine apology and embracing the power of forgiveness is like waving a magic wand, transforming conflict into connection.
The extent to which you can achieve this magical trifecta lies in your willingness to let go of grudges and nurture the love that brought you together in the first place.
It’s about recognizing that you’re both human, imperfectly perfect, and capable of making mistakes.
When you apologize and forgive, you’re not just mending the cracks; you’re strengthening the foundation of your bond.
Apologizing and forgiving isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a testament to the strength of your love.
When you apologize, you say, “I value our relationship more than my ego.” When you forgive, you say, “I choose love over holding onto hurt.”
Indeed, it might not always be easy to apologize or forgive. It takes courage and vulnerability to open your heart in the face of conflict.
All the same, each time you do it, you’re creating a safe haven for love to bloom and flourish.
Closing Words
From ‘Reflect on the issue’ to ‘Avoid bringing up the past,’ this post has taken a deep look into the secrets of conflict resolution.
I really do hope you’ve been able to capture two or more little gems that will help you navigate through the tough stuff and give you the tools to handle even the stormiest of disputes like a seasoned sailor.
Kindly let me know what you think about this whirlwind journey of ‘do these 12 things first before you have a big fight’ in the comment section below.
Don’t hesitate to implement at least one of these twelve steps in your next big fight!
Also, feel free to share them with everyone in your contact list.
See you next time when I come your way. Bye for now!
