Olalekan Adebumiti
Your phone is buzzing. The group chat is on fire.
You sent a screenshot of his text, and your friends are dissecting it like a frog in biology class.
“Don’t reply for three hours.”
“He’s doing the bare minimum, block him.”
“If he wanted to, he would.”
You listen to them. You feel empowered. You feel like a Queen holding court.
But here is the problem: Your friends are single. And they are coaching you on how to stay that way.
There is a specific brand of “Empowerment” advice circulating right now that treats men like enemies to be conquered, rather than partners to be loved. It relies on manipulation, coldness, and games.
And here is the brutal truth: This advice works.
But it only works on insecure, toxic, or anxious men. It works on men who are addicted to the chase.
If you use these tactics on a man who is emotionally healthy, stable, and ready for commitment, he won’t chase you. He won’t try harder. He will look at his watch, realise you are wasting his time, and he will walk away.
You aren’t teaching him a lesson; you are failing his test.
Here are the 7 pieces of toxic advice you need to delete from your brain if you want to keep a good man.
1. “Make Him Wait” (The Arbitrary Timer)
The Advice: “Don’t text him back immediately. Wait twice as long as he took. Follow the 3-Day Rule.”
Why It Repels The Best Partner:
A secure man values communication. He isn’t sitting by his phone calculating time intervals; he is living his life.
If he texts you and you artificially delay your response to look “busy” or “cool,” he doesn’t think you are high-value. He thinks you are playing games. Or worse, he thinks you are actually too busy for a relationship.
A good man wants a connection, not a calculation. If you are holding the phone, text him back. Consistency builds safety; games build anxiety.
2. “If He Wanted To, He Would” (The Mind-Reading Trap)
The Advice: “Don’t tell him what you want. If he loved you, he would just know.”
Why It Repels The Best Partner:
This phrase has ruined more relationships than infidelity. It suggests that love grants psychic powers.
A good man wants to please you, but he cannot read your mind. He doesn’t know you want flowers on Tuesday unless you tell him you like flowers. He doesn’t know you’re upset about the tone of his voice unless you say so.
When you punish him for failing a test he didn’t know he was taking, he feels defeated. He feels like he can never win. Eventually, he stops playing.
3. “Be A Challenge” (The Obstacle Course)
The Advice: “Don’t make it easy. Men love the chase. Keep him on his toes.”
Why It Repels The Best Partner:
Insecure men love the chase because they need validation. Secure men hate the chase because they value peace.
A high-value man has a career, hobbies, and goals. He has enough challenges in his life. He doesn’t want his relationship to be another battleground. He wants his woman to be his sanctuary.
If you constantly throw up hoops for him to jump through, he won’t think you are a prize. He will think you are exhausting. He wants a teammate, not an opponent.
4. “Act Like You Don’t Care” (The Apathy Mask)
The Advice: “Whoever cares less holds the power. Never let him see you sweat.”
Why It Repels The Best Partner:
This is defense, not romance. You are protecting yourself from pain, but you are also walling yourself off from intimacy.
Vulnerability is the glue of connection. If you act indifferent, you attract indifference. A secure man puts his heart on the line, and he expects you to meet him there. If he expresses feelings and you respond with “cool girl” detachment, he feels rejected. He assumes you aren’t interested, and he moves on to someone who is brave enough to care.
5. “Make Him Jealous” (The Triangular Triangulation)
The Advice: “Flirt with the waiter. Talk about your ex. Let him know he has competition.”
Why It Repels The Best Partner:
This is the nuclear option. It screams insecurity.
A low-quality man might get possessive and chase you harder. A high-quality man will find this repulsive. He values loyalty and respect. If you try to triangulate him with other men, he sees it as a character flaw. He thinks, “If she needs to manipulate me to feel secure, she isn’t ready for a relationship.”
6. “Don’t Wifey A Boyfriend” (The Transactional Love)
The Advice: “Don’t cook for him, don’t clean, don’t support his dreams until there is a ring on your finger.”
Why It Repels The Best Partner:
There is truth to not being a doormat, but this advice often swings too far into being transactional.
A relationship is an audition for marriage for both of you. If you withhold all your nurturing energy, kindness, and support, why would he want to marry you? He falls in love with the way you care for him. If you treat the relationship like a business deal where you withhold services until payment is received, you kill the romance.
7. “Never Initiate” (The Passive Princess)
The Advice: “He’s the man. He should text first, plan the dates, and everything else. Lean back.”
Why It Repels The Best Partner:
We live in the 21st century! Reciprocity is sexy.
If he does 100% of the lifting, 100% of the time, he feels lonely. He starts to wonder if you even like him. He wants to feel desired too. He wants to be courted too.
If you never initiate, you force him into a permanent state of pursuit. It’s tiring. Eventually, he will put the ball in your court. If you don’t pick it up, the game ends.
The Mirror Moment
The advice in the group chat feels good because it feeds your ego. It protects you from rejection. It makes you feel powerful.
But love requires you to drop the power.
Love requires the risk of being “easy”—easy to talk to, easy to love, easy to be with.
Secure men are not looking for a puzzle to solve. They are looking for a partner to build with. Stop listening to the committee of single friends. Listen to the man in front of you.
If he is good to you, be good to him. It’s that simple.
